Journal: Waiting

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(Monday, March 18, 2019, 2:15 pm)

I feel like I’m always waiting for something before starting my life. Like I’m waiting for something that’s beyond my control to happen before I do whatever it is that I know I need to do. I’m waiting for the right moment, or I’m waiting until I have enough money or time, or until some event occurs, or until someone else makes up their mind about something. 

But in Vietnam, everything should have been perfect. I had money. I had shipped my responsibilities out of the country so I had time. But I still didn’t do anything. I worked on my TEFL a bit, but I didn’t finish it. I got lots of exercise. I did lots of reading. I practiced learning to drink alcohol. I tried to learn some Vietnamese but didn’t get very far with it. I didn’t get a job, or even try very hard. I didn’t really make any friends, although I did try to do that. I did get pretty fucking sick for a while, but that’s only an excuse for about a month of procrastinating. The best thing I did over there was start writing stories. But that’s it. The conditions were probably as good as they’ll ever be for me to actually DO something, but I didn’t do it. Whatever IT is.

When I try to get my life to conform to what I think it’s SUPPOSED to be, I feel like a pretty worthless human being. I just don’t fit that mold. But I’m not actually worthless. I’m good at things. It’s just a weird set of things. 

I like to have a little structure and a lot of autonomy. Like give me a group of kids, any age or age range, and a subject, and the freedom to do what I want, and I can fucking teach them. And I’ll do a good job. But if I have to use someone else’s curriculum, I don’t do it nearly as well and I’m totally miserable. 

I guess job hunting has basically zero structure to it and it’s all about finding someone to hand over all of my autonomy to. 

I think I also need whatever I’m doing to have some sort of purpose, other than increasing the profits of some big corporation. So teaching is good, or working for a school. Working for a Chevrolet dealership or a telemarketing company was not good. Small businesses are ok though. The Costume Shoppe worked well for me. I just had to do laundry, help customers find what they needed and keep all the racks organized and tidy, but I could do all that stuff however I wanted to. It was a for-profit business, but it was tiny and I knew the owner so it was alright. And my opinions were heard and respected.

I really like writing, and I’d really like to be able to do something like that for a living. But I have no idea how to make money on a blog. I mean, I’ve read some articles on how to do that, but unless you have enough other income to hold you over until the money starts coming in, there’s just no way. And the whole thing is that you have to get people to actually read it. They all say that the best way to do that is to just write about what you love. But the best written, most interesting blog in the world won’t have any readers if no one knows it’s there, and that requires networking. Or maybe advertising. I have no network. And I’m not a very persuasive person. 

Writing a novel or something is kinda the same thing. You have to have enough income to live on until you can finish writing it and get someone to publish it. Also, you have to actually GET someone to publish it. And, again, I’m not that good at selling things, especially myself.

I’m not worthless. I have skills. And I do work very hard, when there’s a reason to. I’m just not good at getting other people to value me enough to want to pay me for anything. 

I think I would make a really good personal assistant. Particularly an unpaid one. You always have more autonomy if you’re not being paid. I made a spectacular unpaid wedding planner. Personal assistant would use some similar skills, but would be less stressful, I think. But it wouldn’t put a roof over my head, I suppose. 

4 Replies to “Journal: Waiting”

  1. I can totally relate, because I feel as though I wait a lot too. Sometimes I feel that life’s best things are created by muddling through the unknown, and that things are never perfect—the goals I envision will never turn out the way I expect them to.

    Like, I learned to speak Chinese by simply doing so. Had I thought of pursuing it formally, I’d have needed to look for classes, read the reviews, Google the best ways to learn a new language, and all that would’ve ultimately been detrimental to this goal.

    But I just did it. I fumbled all the way through, but I learned to speak it.

    Same with my novel. I had waited for eight years before I dared to write the first sentence. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I was waiting for the perfect time, or when my skills would be ‘up to par’, but in the end, I just did it without any more knowledge than I had eight years prior.

    And I still fumbled through it, but I’m now writing my third novel.

    So while I do share your exact thoughts on this topic, I’d also like to—not too helpfully—tell you to just do it. Whatever IT is. All the best!


    1. Dear Stuart,

      I completely agree. While a moderate amount of research and preparation can help get things off to a smooth start, in the end the most important thing is to just START (though that is generally easier said than done).

      Also, thank you so much for being my very first commenter ever on my blog (which I am very glad I did finally start)!

      Very Best Wishes,



  2. Greetings,

    I’m extremely sorry to know that you had to struggle so much earlier on. But I sincerely hope that you will be able to overcome this soon. 🙂

    I don’t want to miss out on your future writings, thus I have followed your blog. 🙂

    Kiran Kandel

    Liked by 1 person

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